Jesus replied,"You do not understand now what I am doing,
but someday you will."
{John 13:7}
If I had to pick one verse that describes my life thus far, it would be this one. God has done things in my life time and time again that shook my world and left me dazed and confused. He did things that made me question if He loved me. And to answer that question, yeah-He still loves me. He took away numerous things in my life and at the time, I didn't understand why AT ALL. But that is exactly what He tells us will happen in the Bible. We won't understand now, but we will later on. This is what I call God giving me a "kick in the butt." He kicks me in the butt when I am going down a path that is not the straight and narrow; when I am straying away from the flock; and when I am putting my faith, happiness, and joy in something other than my Creator. Every time he has kicked me, it has been because he loves me and has wonderful things in store for me if I would just listen and follow Him. He keeps on kicking me which shows that he won't give up on me.
I'm only 18 (almost 19) and God has taken more away from me than alot of adults. I think the best way to make my point is to show each of those experiences and what happened as a result.
- At at 6 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She fought it on and off for almost 5 years. Then at age 11, God took my mom away. At that point, I did not understand why a loving God would do that. However, later on, he showed me why. I was a Christian since about age 5, but around the time my mom died, I wasn't living that out. God knew I needed something to happen to put my focus back on Him. My mom's death caused me to lose trust and faith in God, blame everyone on earth for her death, and distance myself from everyone around me. This kick in the butt caused me to need ANOTHER kick in the butt.
- God put a life long friend in my life, Virginia Jacks. I grew up with her and her family and she was one of my best friends, sisters in Christ, and teammate. Her love for Jesus and desire to please Him in all she did was so attractive and contagious to me. I wanted that. I wanted a love for Christ that would not crumble no matter what happened. My 8th-10th grade years at school were the years Virginia really invested in me and helped me grow in my faith. God used her to do this at the perfect time because He had a plan. My 10th grade year, at age 15, God took Virginia away. She died in a car accident that caught me and everyone else off guard. This was God's second time to kick me in the butt. He took away another one of the most precious things in my life. This time however, I listened.I didn't know why God took Virginia away; no one did. But eventually, God showed me that it was to open my eyes to see how luke warm my faith was. To show me that I needed to cling more closely to my Savior than to anything in the world. That's when my life was turned around for the better. I thought God was done kicking me. But no...
- The end of my junior year, I felt my world crashing down yet again. My coaches and two of my closest friends and influences were about to slip away. My parents did not want me having a relationship with them and they made it impossible to communicate. In addition to the parentals, my school decided to cut them off and not let them coach anymore. I was heart broken and confused and angry. I was not ready to lose two more of the closest people I had in the world. The fear of losing them consumed me. It was a terrible feeling and it caused me to display hatred towards my parents and school at times. I knew there had to be a reason, but I just COULD NOT see it.
- Senior year. I was getting better with the struggle of losing my coaches and friends but it still was a fear and still hurt. But, God was slowly showing me that I needed to show my own family and parents the respect and love I was showing towards my friends and coaches. This was one of the hardest things to do (and still is). BUT God began to mend my relationship a little bit with my family. That then led to Him "giving me back" my coaches a little bit. As time went by, both relationships improved.
- But here comes something else. senior year/-freshman year of college: God put a boy in my life that I never would have predicted or expected. An amazing guy who I felt I didn't deserve but was thankful to have. A guy who I loved with my whole heart and would do anything for. A guy who was the most important person in my life and the guy I genuinely thought I would marry. I never would have guessed that God would take him away too. When we broke up it crushed my world and broke my heart. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I asked God why so many times. I thought he was perfect and 'the one'. But, God had a different plan. As much as I may have believed that this was the man I was going to marry, God did not think so. He had to break my heart for me to see that He had a plan that was different than mine. He took that relationship away because He has a different and better one in store for both me, and that guy. I see now why God ended it and why he took it away and as much as I still love and care about that guy, I am glad God kicked me in the butt because He was protecting me and saving me for something greater.
- Lastly, I did not think I was going to attend Auburn University for college. I prayed and prayed God would open doors and finally HE did. I went to Auburn in the Fall of 2014 and fell in love with it. It's just a college I know i know but I loved it and never wanted to leave. I grew in my walk with Christ more than ever before while there, I found the things I really believe in and stand up for, and I met my best friend while there. It was literally perfect (besides grades). That being said, my parents pulled me out of Auburn after the first semester. I had to go back home, go to school there, pull up my grades, get a job, and then try to go back to Auburn. Once again, my life wasn't going as planned and I felt totally out of control. I assumed being home would suck and be miserable. However, after all the complaining, hatred, and disgust I had towards my parents for bringing me back, God blessed me. He helped me pull my grades up some, get a job, and learn more about what it takes to succeed in college. It gets even cooler. He also gave me back that relationship with my coaches!! Moving home allowed me to grow closer to them than I ever would have imagined. Thank you, Jesus :) He also gave me other friends like Sydney, Alea, Olivia, and Emmy. I finally was able to see that God brought me home for reasons more than just money and school. He brought me home to invest in and love other people. I am SO thankful He did that. I wouldn't change it. I really wouldn't.
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